Awesome words of wisdom, support and love!!!!!!!!

"I am no expert, and many of the girls here have been through a lot more than I have, so whatever I say is only my personal two-cents worth (maybe not worth even that). The only thing you can count on is that it is said with the best of intentions.

To Person A;
Amen to all those positive vibes! But, if I may, I'd like to offer a suggestion for your consideration... this road we travel... in my opinion, it's probably more of an evolution than a revolution. If we take it slow and steady, changes are incremental and lasting. I would hate to see you utterly stressed out cuz you didn't have the ability to take a break if you needed it. Similarly, the taxi ride and the airport experience are likely to be the most stressful... maybe you want to leave those for the way back?

To Person B;
I am so happy to hear you're going to come and participate at VWS! And, please don't take this the wrong way - I only take the trouble to say these things out of genuine concern and love (and they are just my non-expert opinion) - but, for gawd's sake, please at least consider this advice: don't start hacking bones and other parts of your body (FFS/GRS/etc.) until you've got your self-love and inner female sorted out; all the body-work will not fix either of those, and will not be worth much without them. I think you'll be richer both financially and emotionally if you adopt this perspective, but, of course, it is entirely up to you."

"I had so much fun with you and Sarah and Mike...Your problems are 100% up in your head though...I couldn't believe what I was hearing when you told me this stuff near the end of the night...You and J are like the two sexiest little things going and you both got real confidence issues...When I first walked into Lips...I'll be honest I thought you were a GG...or I wasn't sure...I hadn't seen you in 3 years [ last time I saw you was your first night out ever as Jackie ] ..But you were so much fun and SL was too ..and SL looked so good too ...
But getting back to your lament ...You gotta be kidding me ..
This is NEW YORK CITY ...people aren't walking down the sidewalk ..smiling all the time ...lots of people are very 'guarded' ...and you can't read them ...You think you wee reading them ..but maybe you were mistaken ..Believe me I know exactly the looks you are talking about ...dont you think I sometimes get the same ones ...You are way more 'passable' then me ..I don't give a fuck ..I could care less I don't wanna be passable...I'm not a female...I'm a TG which is way sexier and rarer...boys and girls are a dime a dozen; TG's are rarer then rubies .that's why we are accorded all the benefits of royalty everywhere we go ...
But you wanna be 100% passable ....You can be ...You have the figure and the beautiful face .and everything else going for you .if you had SL's wig on that would of made a big difference ...Your wig did not look natural at all ..it just doesn't look like hair ..especially up close ..it is very plastic-E looking .....
But getting back to your lament ......"What do you think was going through those GG's minds ..that looked at you so scornfully or disdainfully ".What were they thinking ....How silly you looked .....How sick that is that a guy would try and look like a woman ...[Like they never saw that in NYC before }...I got news for You J...You looked better then 90-per-cent of all the GG's I saw in the whole city that night .....That's right .....and you know it .......Here is where CONFIDENCE >>>Comes in ......ATTITUDE ..ATTITUDE ....Attitude is Everything ..Everyone see's your pic from that night and drools ..and you looked even better in real life .....and that's with a horrible wig on ...You just shocked me when you sprang this on me on the couch at SinSin .as I thought you were so much fun and I loved hanging out with you and SL...You need this Wildside Vegas Trip bad Hun ...a few days with Gina and Nikki and all our gals here will have you thinking better ...... I got your number somewhere I gotta find it and give you a call ..we gotta go out again soon .You were just so much fun ..just sorry that you feel that way about yourself ..if only you could see what everyone See's or how they saw J that night"

"J, they are right about attitude. If you have the right attitude the confidence just naturally follows. I have some of the same confidence issues that you do but I am REALLY dealing with them in the things I am doing and through therapy. Don't forget the therapy. It does take time and the amount it different for each person.

If I had one suggestion to give you it would be to OPEN MOUTH SMILE more. Look at my latex pictures on Fet and I had this thin lipped, closed mouth smile in all of them. I looked horrible. Then look at the pictures where I smiled showing teeth. I look great! Women tend to OPEN MOUTH SMILE more than men and you need to get into that habit. A nice smile draws the eyes to your mouth and away from the things you may be worrying about. Oh, and not every womans lips are plump and full.

Jane, you are absolutely right about changes being incremental and I am one of those evil planning types that map everything out. For me that is not a bad thing. The other thing you should know is when I make my mind up to do something I DO IT. I do what ever it takes to get what I want done. Leaving my house as S and being S on the plane and all week and the plane back is something my therapist and I agree I need to do. Will it be hard to take that first step monday morning? Sure it will but each step after that will be easier. The good things are never easy but all the sweeter when you finish them.

Yes, cheesy and sappy sounding but it's what I believe. Spend some time with me and you will find out I am a stable mix of oddities.

Finally, J, all of the girls in Vegas will be there to support you and any other new girl. I am 100% confident of that. Put your trust in them and have fun. That's what this trip is all about. Being who you are and having fun with your friends. Enjoy it and don't worry about it."

"J, your face is your face... Go for it!"

"J,

Omg!......the "Fantabulosityness" of the posts here. The Wild Side girls are so smart and caring. You can see why year after year the Wild Side girls are voted the best in the quadrant.......

xoxoxo,
G"

"It's so true, we are conditioned since childhood to believe certain things, to think certain ways.
It becomes so ingrained in us that it affects almost every aspect of our lives and influences how we think, act, react.
(OMG, I'm sounding like E!! See, bro, you are rubbing off on me, and that's a good thing)

It's easy to say "be yourself, live by your own rules, think outside the box" and many of us can do that, in specific aspects of our lives, but our lives and how we live them involve hundreds of different aspects . For the majority of us, our thought processes are still heavily influenced by the societal brain washing that we've been subjected to our whole lives (even if we do manage to break the mold in a few ways).

Example...While I say "it's not the outside appearance of a person that's important, its the inner beauty" I still want to be pretty, I still go to extraordinary lengths to be pretty.

I guess like everything, its an ongoing process, all we can do is recognize that the "conditioning" exists, strive to break that conditioning, discover our own personal beliefs,wants, hopes, dreams and create our own story as Brody recommends.

Bottom line; in the process of becoming truer to yourself, one of the benefits will be not caring what others think."

From the original poster...

"WOW!!! I did not excpect this overwhelming response to my problem. I thank all of you for your support and great advice. I love my WildSide friends and with out all of you I would truely be lost. I will consider all the advice from this post and implement what I can.

Jane, I don't understand the concept of self-love but I will give the hormones a year before I have FFS.

J, I must admit I was a little nervous meeting you but you are a very nice person and I had a GREAT time!! I thank you for your comments about how I look but for me I will not be happy until J has societies acceptance . BTW you look GREAT in person and in your photos. You have my # and you are free to call me anytime.

G, A; I was at VWS 08 and I had a GREAT!!! time I always had a smile on my face. I know I will have a great time and I look forward to meeting both of you.

What I mean by "Why do I feel like a freak?" is all of you like to go out to clubs and meet guys. This is not who I am and so, I feel I don't fit in as J or as Bill in my male world. All I want is to transition into J and I think that is why I have such a strong need to have societies acceptance of me as J. When I think of not being able to become J I get VERY sad and start to cry. I long for the day when I will be J 24/7 and be accepted as a REAL female.

I have the deepest respect for Sharon and for Gina, & N for creating the WildSide and for keeping it going. Without this group I would be lost."

"J,

We thank you for bringing this problem to focus.

Your worry's and frustrations are common ones amongst our community.

We responded with our various opinions and advice in hopes that some of our words would ease your pain and strengthen your resolve, but it was also in hope that it would help others who may read this thread and who suffer, in varying degrees, from the same fears and uncertainties.

Your not alone in feeling the way you do and not alone in combating it either.

Besides, writing our thoughts is also therapeutic for the writer!"

"I love that line of Sharon's "transition is not for sissies!" - That's the best line I've heard in ages

J, after you get back from Vegas ..Spring will just about be here ...We can hook up with one or two other T-girls and start off at Stonewalls down in the village and just roam around from place to place ..Trust me watch the looks the young GG's give you then ..They will all be running up asking to get their picture taken with you ..and begging you to come inside what ever Bar they are in and have a drink with them ...Wait and see!!!"

From the original poster...

"J, I'm not a big club girl but I would go and hangout with you again. As for GG's running up and asking to have their picture taken with me and begging to have a drink with me " I don't thing so". Maybe if I was in my Playboy Bunny outfit. lol

N, A lot of what was posted did strengthen my resolve and I feel a lot better. I have always had a deep hatred for how my face looks... maybe its because I was a girl with a boys face. I hope the hormones and FFS can correct this problem."

From me...

"Wow, BRAVO WildSide!!!!

This is what makes this group so fucking AWESOME!!!! Such an unbelievable outpouring of love and support, and some of the most incredible writing I've ever read!

Kudos to all of you for making this board such a special place! We are one big, fabulous, crazy family!!!

Y'all RAWK"

"This is so heart-breaking to hear! Mainly as we can all relate to your feelings. Often the decision to transition comes down not to a question of "how strong are my transgender feelings?" but "can I cope with how I may be treated". As anyone who has genuinely experienced abuse, bullying or any form of ill-treatment can attest - this is no minor hurdle, and I am surprised at those that are dismissive of such feelings. Those that chide one for not transitioning are as bad as those that might judge one for transitioning. Ultimately it's your life and your only obligation is to do what feels right for you.

There is some wonderful advice here from some clearly concerned friends of yours. I just adore C's take on "I have a dream"!

I agree with all those who say you shouldn't be too focused on passing as this may only serve as an impediment to the progress you have already made. Being 'read' from time to time is inevitable after all they don't call it a 'transition' for nothing. Perhaps you might instead pay attention to the root cause of your lack of confidence as this may help you deal more directly with your concerns.

This thread deserves a special place in the Wild-side archive and I thank you for being brave enough to starting it. It takes great courage to admit to your deepest fears in such an open forum. I should think such courage will serve you well on your continued journey."

"Hey! How many of you knew that J was a photographer too ?
Some of the best photos I've EVER had taken in my life and she didn't like them. I have 2 or 3 Jackie Stars in my portfolio ( GOT to be good to be included in my Book) and she didn't like them.

One more example of her not giving herself the credit she's due."

"J,

Did you look up the EFT info at the "emofree" site, download the free manual, etc, etc?? I really think you may find it useful. I have been using it and have found it so.

EFT is rather like "emotional acupressure."

As anyone who has had a tension headache may attest emotions certainly sometimes end up bound up in our body ( or energy field, if you believe in that sort of thing ) and much the same may be said of trauma, fears, addictive cravings, anxiety, etc. After using EFT, frequently the negative emotional impact of situations/thoughts are able to be reduced or totally collapsed, and often quite quickly."

from original poster...

"N,
I thank you for your comments and it makes me very happy to know that you like the photos I took of you. I see a few girls still flying the photos I took of them. Sorry!! but this year I will not bring my lights and backdrop but I do have a new wide angle "L" lens and I hope to get lots of photos of all you GREAT people.

E,
I have not had a chance to check it out yet but I will.

"I'm sure you've seen this Christina Agulerra video, J...

Your retired now, you have the time, make watching this video one of the first things you do every morning.

Spoken:
Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay

And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today"

"How about Androgyny?

Wow, this was one of the best threads ever on Wild Side. Thank you J for speaking up and saying what so many of us sometimes think and initiating this discussion. There are so many great comments here that I needed to hear myself and I can add nothing to those. However, I do have a somewhat different perspective to share that some people might find helpful.

I think we often don't appreciated androgyny enough. It seems like many of us get focused on being transgendered as a binary problem - either boy or girl! But the reality is that few people really present the full-on extreme male or female gender expression. Many people without any gender issues at all just live their lives as an expression of who they are somewhere in-between the two extremes of masculinity and femininity. We especially see that in the gay and lesbian communities but it is even common in the “straight” world. It seems like the model many people struggle with who are in - or are considering - transition is that of "either/or." But there are some real advantages to using androgyny as a stepping-stone.

I hear statements all the time like "I got dressed up and went out" and then this or that happened, as though we don't get dressed and go all the time. Of course there is something different and exhilarating about finally being fully fem in public, but why can't we publicly live our inner truth everyday instead of just when we are dressed like our image of a dressed-up girl? Look around most women spend much of their time in what is essentially androgyny - jeans, practical shoes and a pretty top. Why can’t we? Is it because we only feel feminine when we are dressed fully as a frilly girl on an evening out?

Even though most people I know or work with do not yet know I am transgendered, for the last few years I stopped buy clothes and shoes what were not androgynous or completely feminine. For example, the boots I have worn much of this winter were women’s black lace up pseudo-combat boots. They even had a 1-inch heel. I love how they look, I can dance in them, slosh through the snow and they make my feet look smaller (as we all know, all women’s shoes do that whereas men’s shoes and boots make your feet look huge - yuck!). They so better express how I feel inside then my man’s winter boots.

At first androgyny may just look like you are gay but moving through the world as a gay person is more acceptable than trans and it gets you used to the feeling that you are no longer one of the people who are toeing society’s line. After a while the hormones soften the facial features, perhaps your hair grows out more, and as time shifts the wardrobe, the androgyny gradually shifts towards a more feminine presentation. It is like gradually moving into the lake instead of diving in and not knowing if there is a rock just under the surface (and as we all know in transitioning there are plenty of rocks to worry about).

Androgyny takes much of the pressure off that I hear J expressing. One day at a time. Experimenting with what feels right, introducing this androgynous self to friends and family, and perhaps most importantly, not hiding as much anymore. It is the kind of transition that seems more practical to me then the binary “one day a masculine presentation, then the next a feminine presentation,” as though they are two different people.

None of this is to discourage going full out “girl” sometimes. Especially, I think it is great to sometimes do the full immersion like Wild Side Las Vegas. In fact, this thread has renewed my own intention to make going this year work for me. But Las Vegas, or going out “dressed” intermittently, is not everyday life. And there is a lot we can do about daily life that allows us to ease into transition. Androgyny is one that has been working for me.

Just my two cents worth.

"I am a product of the slow transition , male to androgynous, androgynous to feminine, that you speak of.

When I started this process I didn't start with the intended result being to be living 24/7 as N. I started thinking I would test the waters and see where it led. I started wearing girl jeans and tops. Most people dont really notice the specific difference, it just gives an overall impression of androgyny/femininity.
I'd have my brows shaped and waxed, again a feature that people don't notice specifically but will ask "you look good, did you get a haircut ?"
With each new feminizing feature (ears pierced, nose pierced, fingernails manicured, hair growing out, slight mascara etc etc etc) it felt more natural and I felt more and more comfortable.

One morning I woke up and realized I had been living 24/7 fully as N for over a month, but the transformation had been so smooth and painless that I hadn't even realized I had passed that milestone."

"A great direction to take this discussion R!

My only real outward nod to androgyny is growing my hair out, which is now past the shoulder, as can be seen in my profile video. But this far is more than I ever publicly display as out and out feminine. I think androgyny is an obvious and logical step toward transitioning for all the reasons you mention. A great way of building up your own comfort level and tolerance to public scrutiny.

I think I will take further androgynous steps along the lines that Nikki mentioned, regardless of whether I ever actually fully transition, which in itself is unlikely as my own feminine feelings have never been as strong as many describe here. I've always wanted to have my face hairs lasered away.

Who knows where it might lead?"

"If you're thinking of laser, do it ASAP, cuz once you start to go gray, any gray hair will be immune to the treatment and need electrolysis to remove, which is a bitch, I'm told."

"Yes, electrolysis is a bitch! A painful and expensive one..."

More from me...

"As I got further along with laser and what not, I came to a sorta mundane realization...Even in boy mode, how many people are gonna look at my face and think..."omg, why isn't there any facial hair??" My point is that no one looks or cares about that other than ourselves!!!

BTW; I'm the queen of the slow transition, but as long as your steps move forward; (be them baby steps or leaps & bounds) it's all good!!!! So onward & upward, bitches!!!!" salute

"J...

I only know you from chats in the Gen X room so I was hesitant to comment. But I do know from experience that loving yourself as yourself (no matter what the outward appearance is) is what really matters. I used to be in a sales industry that moved from older/middle age male dominated to young female dominated. I'd see these gorgeous, leggy young things everyday and listen to them as we waited our turns at making our pitches. They (especially the very prettiest and all-the-right-curviest) constantly complained about their hair, facial features, butt, arms, legs (thighs and calfs)...they were not happy with this or that. I'd rate these girls a 9.0+ or 9.5+ on a scale of 1 to 10 and they are hugely disappointed in how their nose throws their whole face out of whack. And they really mean this shit--and with fashion model looks, almost every single one of 'em!! Or one says her boobs were too big/not big enough...my butt is just not right...and on and on. I'm thinking to myself, "Shut up bitch!! I'd love to have your looks and body when I dress up!!" All I know is, attitude about how you carry yourself (self-confidence) and how you feel about yourself as a person is more important than whether or not your boobs or butt is just perfect or not.

Just a couple of weeks ago you were camming trying on clothes and the chat room is full of "Wows" and thumbs up all around. Your friends who were being honest with you told you that you look great. You really did, girl! You were brimming with confidence and it showed. This thread has been full of advice to you I wish I could print every single word of and keep it forever. You started something of real value to not just for yourself but a lot of girls/gurls who will read this and thank their lucky stars that they found these comments. I agree with R who said it's an evolution (a process and journey!) and the advice from so many to let the hormones really do their thing before looking at surgery. I'd love to be the agent for C's first book--damn, she can write and really express herself so clearly. Soak up all this support, Jackie...have a real blast at VWS and let your sisters love ya and build you up.

Hugs, girl...all my best!!!"

"J:

It WILL get easier in time, as long as YOU believe in yourself. I've been full time for over 14 years and work for the federal government at a major airport. I notice sometimes people who do not know me will be giving me "that look", but I choose to ignore it because: I know my shit, I'm a people-person, and I am NICE. Those who choose to put me under a microscope and mentally dissect me in lieu of wanting to understand or accept have their own reward already."

"Quote from N - "I'd have my brows shaped and waxed, again a feature that people dont notice specifically but will ask " you look good, did you get a haircut?"

N, I had not noticed it before until you mentioned it. I have been trimming my Eye Brows for a couple of months and no one has said anything. Also when I had only 1 earring people would comment but now that I have both pierced and wear studs all the time nobody says a word. I wonder what if anything they are thinking?"

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